


a well of many words

by CapriciousCrab



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Epistolary, Friends to Lovers, Letters, Long-Distance Friendship, M/M, Pen Pals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-24 18:53:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17106221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: A random uni assignment brings Dan face to face with his past, stirring up old memories and long buried feelings. Could this be the second chance he never expected to have?





	1. when we were young

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PoisonedMind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoisonedMind/gifts).



> Happy Christmas PoisonedMind!  
> Hope you like it <3
> 
> I want to thank my beta reader Evening42 for being amazing!

**Age 10**

_Phil,_  
  
_Hi, my name is Dan. I don’t really know what to say to you cause you're a stranger but my teacher says we have to write these letters to our pen pals but I’d really rather be playing Mario on my Nintendo._  
  
_Have a nice day._  
_Dan_

 _  
_  
Pleased to have gotten the dreaded task over with so quickly, he hurriedly folded the letter and stuffed it into the envelope Ms. Keats had placed on his desk. He licked along the adhesive edge, his nose crinkling up at the bitter taste of the glue, before slapping the flap over to seal his letter.  
  
He hopped out of his seat, gloating a bit at the sight of everyone else still stuck at their desks writing their letters, and hurried to the front of the room to hand his envelope to Ms. Keats. He was finished early which meant he might have ten whole minutes to himself outside before anyone else came over to hog the swings. He placed his letter in the tray on her desk and looked up when she said his name with a sigh.  
  
“Daniel, you've finished your letter awfully fast,” she said gently. “I hope you wrote something your pen pal would be pleased to read.”  
  
“Go ahead and head outside now and the others will join you as soon as they finish.”  
  
He nodded his head and dashed outside to fling himself into a swing. Ignoring the strange guilty feeling in his stomach when he thought about the boy reading his letter, he pumped his legs hard and closed his eyes, pretending he could fly as he soared through the air.  
  
*  
  
He fills his days with school and playmates and hours of Nintendo. Weeks go by, and he doesn’t spare a thought for his pen pal until one day Ms. Keats stands at the front of the room, her smiling face lit with enthusiasm.  
  
“Boys and girls, I have some exciting news for you. Guess what came in the post yesterday?” she said. She sweeps her arm up in the air, waving the packet of letters clutched in her hand. “Your pen pals have written you back!”  
  
The class cheered as she moved down the rows of desks, placing a letter on each one. Dan watched as she got closer and closer, his stomach swooping with sudden nerves. Would Phil be upset in his letter or sad that Dan didn’t really try that hard in his?  
  
Ms. Keats placed an envelope on his desk, and he stared at it for a moment before picking it up. There was a tiny cat sticker placed next to Dan's name and when he opened the flap and pulled out the paper inside, a shower of stickers came with it.  
  
  
_Dan,  
  
Oh my gosh, hi Danny! My name is Phil and I'm so happy to be your letter friend! I like playing Mario too, but I hate the stupid Hammer Bros. They suck!  
  
I live in Florida with my mom and dad and older brother Martyn. He's ok for an older brother, even if he does beat me at Duck Hunt all the time.  
I can't wait to learn all about you, Dan!  
  
Goodbyeee!  
Phil  
  
P.S. Please don’t tell my mom I said the word suck. She said it’s the same as a swear and made me lick a bar of soap. It was so gross! But then I wanted to know if a person could burp bubbles so I ate a corner of it. Don’t do that…yuck!_  
  
  
Dan laughed, the sound ringing in the near silence of the classroom. He read the letter again while he collected all of the stickers scattered across the surface of his desk. He didn’t realize he was grinning until Ms. Keats stopped by his desk. She smiled down at him as she watched him sort through the stickers.  
  
“Did you enjoy your letter then, Daniel?” she asked.  
  
He nodded his head and held out the stickers. “Look what Phil sent me!" he exclaimed.  
  
“How lovely! It looks like you have a charming new friend, doesn’t it?” she asked before moving on to the next student.  
  
He carefully tucked the stickers back inside of the envelope and thought, maybe having a pen pal wouldn’t be so bad after all.  
  
**  
  
**Age 11**  
  
_Dan,_  
  
_You are_ sooo _wrong! There's no way that you’re better than me at Mario Kart. Just because you've had the game 6 months longer than_ me _doesn’t make you better! And yes I do beat Martyn most of the time! It still counts, even if he does suck at it._  
  
_But maybe we can battle for real cause I have a surprise for you! Mom said we're going to England this year for a holiday! Now we can finally hang out, and I'll show you who's the real Mario Kart master. We'll be there from September 7th-21st and it's gonna be awesome!_  
  
_Write soon!_  
_Phil_

  
  
He read the letter twice, then once more before the words really set in. He let out a happy squeal before clapping a hand over his mouth in sheepish embarrassment. He didn’t mean to be so loud, but he couldn't help it.  
  
Phil was coming to England!  
  
They'd been writing to each other for a year now, the pen pal program extended to last all through primary school. They'd found a connection and had become friends and wrote each other monthly. Phil was the best friend Dan had ever had and now he was coming here! Here, where they could hang out and play video games and watch movies and do all of the other cool things they talked about doing someday.  
  
He was practically vibrating with excitement and his mum noticed.  
  
“What’s got you so excited over there?” she laughed, watching as Dan read his letter yet again.  
  
The words spilled from his mouth at a rapid pace. “Mum, Phil is coming to England for his family's holiday!”  
  
He launched himself up from the sofa and crossed the room to the desk, wanting to write Phil back immediately. He couldn't wait til they could plan things together and wished once more than he could call him on the phone instead. But overseas calls are expensive so they make do with the letters.  
  
“Well, that is exciting! When are they coming?”  
  
“In September,” he replied, starting to hum under his breath as he took out his notebook and pencils. He had so many things to say!  
  
“Oh. Dan, darling…”  
  
His lifted his head and looked at his mum with wary eyes. She only used that sad, hesitant voice when she had something to tell him that he wouldn't want to hear.  
  
“Mum?”  
  
“I'm sorry, Dan. We’re not going to be here in September. We're going to stay with Nana after her surgery, remember? She's going to need our help.”  
  
“No! Mum, please! I can't miss this visit with Phil. It might be the only time he can come…”  
  
He looked at her with eyes stinging with tears of disappointment and frustration and something else he didn’t have a name for yet. All he knew was that his chance for finally seeing Phil in person was slipping away.  
  
She came to him and ran her hand through his hair, her dark eyes soft and sympathetic. “I'm sorry, Bear," she whispered as he turned his face into her shoulder and wept.

  
  
_Phil,  
  
I'm sorry, but we can’t hang out when you come to England. Mum told me that we're going to stay with my Nana for a while because she’s having a surgery and will need some help and a bit of cheering up.  
  
Is it weird for me to say how sad I am that we won't be able to hang out? I know we're not little kids but I'm just... sad. I was really excited about us hanging out together.  
I really am sorry, Phil. I hope you're not mad at me.  
  
Write soon?  
Dan_  
  
**  
  
**Age 12**  
  
_Danny,_  
  
_I hate it here. Being the new kid at a new school sucks. Everyone stares at me when I come into the room like I’m some kind of freak-and I’m not even doing anything weird! But that one guy keeps after me and yesterday he smacked the back of my head as he walked by. I wanted to say something, the way you always tell me to stand up for myself, but my mouth wouldn't work so I just went to class instead._  
  
_I wish we lived by each other so we could really talk to each other. I have so many things I want to tell you but it's so hard to say in a letter. Sometimes I feel all confused inside and I think I would feel better if I could just see you. I know you would understand me._  
_Your last letter took forever to come, so I hope the mail carriers are better this time._  
  
_Please write soon._  
_Phil_

  
  
Dan sighed and let the letter fall to his desk before flinging himself face down on his bed. He knew he'd been getting bad about sending Phil letters but he hadn’t expected Phil to mention it.  
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to write to Phil; it’s just that he didn’t know what to say anymore.  
  
He liked Phil. He liked how weird he was, the strange things he thought about and the funny way Phil looked at life. He liked his love for animals and for the stuffed lion he knew Phil still slept with. He liked the way Phil always took Dan's side when Dan complained about his mum and he liked the way Phil always made sure to ask him to say hello to his family. He even liked how he was the only person to call him Danny.  
  
So yeah, he liked Phil. But sometimes… sometimes he felt like he **liked** Phil. Liked him maybe the same way he sometimes liked the girl who sat three seats across from him in class and he didn’t know what to do or think or feel about it.  
  
It was easier to leave the letter on his desk unanswered, and he sighed in relief when he heard his mum calling for him.  
  
“Dan? Time to go, Nana's expecting us”  
  
“Coming,” he yelled back, sliding Phil's letter into his desk drawer on his way out. He headed downstairs where his mum was waiting and promised himself that he'd answer it tomorrow.  
  
  
_Danny,_  
  
_Hey, I hope everything's ok. It’s been a while since your last letter. Maybe the mail is messed up?_  
_I really need to talk to you. Please answer back._  
  
_Write soon?_  
_Phil_  
  
  
  
_Dan,_  
  
_I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry._  
_I miss you._  
  
_Phil_

 

 


	2. i remember you

 

“... and furthermore, findings revealed that transformation education was enacted through engaging in the collaborative cross-cultural pen pal project.”

  
Dan taps his pencil against his notebook, his attention drifting as his professor's voice continued to drone on. It wasn't as if he didn't enjoy the class, in fact, sociology is one of his favorites. It's just that the topic of pen pals seemed a strange one to focus on for a university course. This isn't primary school, after all.  
  
He let his mind wander a bit more, scratching out a partial shopping list on a piece of scrap paper. He needs more kitchen roll, and he’s nearly out of Pot Noodle. He only tunes back in when he hears his professor clearing his throat.  
  
“So we're going to enact an informal study of our own. I've partnered up with our sister university in Florida for a mini pen pal program between the two Sociology departments. You'll be paired up with a fellow student of your choice for the duration of the course.”  
  
He moves through the rows, handing each student a list of names before returning to the front of the room.  
  
“Now, those of you on this side of the room will be using the traditional mail service for your correspondence while the other side of the room will use email.”  
  
Dan rolls his eyes a bit in frustration at the whole project. He already has a full uni schedule and the last thing he has time for is letter writing with a stranger via snail mail.  
  
“I won't be monitoring your actual letter writing activities. Just know that at the end of the project I expect each of you to write an essay detailing the social benefits and drawbacks of a long-distance correspondence. The essay requirements are listed in your syllabus...”  
  
Dan ran his eyes down the list and caught his breath at the sight of a familiar name. It's a common enough name, even though it's one he hadn't heard it in years. Not since he stopped writing the boy that had once been his best friend.  
  
_Phil L._  
  
Coincidence, he thinks to himself. There's no way it's his old childhood friend. His Phil had moved away to a new school and then... well, he doesn't know. Once again he feels the sting of regret that he let himself drift away from Phil. He'd been young, sure, and scared too. But it had been a dick move to just disappear as he had.  
  
On impulse he chooses this Phil from the list, hoping that maybe the little seed of guilt he's been carrying for all these years will finally die.  
  
*

  
He finds himself strangely nervous as he stares at the blank page before him. His hands are even sweaty, for fuck's sake, so he rubs them briskly against his joggers before grabbing his pencil. He has no idea what to say to this guy so he shrugs and just starts to write.  
  
_Hey Phil,_

_So my name is Dan. I don't really know what to say because we're strangers but it looks like we're going to be pen pals for a bit of time, yeah? I have to say, this is the strangest Uni project yet lol.  
  
I'm not a terribly exciting person, to be honest. I'm just a twenty-year-old guy who still likes Pokémon and Mario Kart. This is my second year at University, and I plan on majoring in child psychology. What are you majoring in?  
  
Well, this letter is all kinds of awkward, isn't it? Sorry, mate. The next one will be better.  
Have a nice day._

_Dan_  
  
Ugh. It's a pretty shit letter, to be honest, but he seals it anyway and drops it off at the post. Hopefully, this Phil guy isn't a prat about it, he already feels awkward enough.  
  
*

  
Two weeks pass in what he fondly calls the 'Uni Blur'- late night study sessions and multiple coffee runs that bend the passage of time until he can't even remember what day it is. It's not until he gathers his packet of mail that he even remembers the writing project.  
  
He leans against his desk as he rifles through the envelopes. Bills, advertisements, offers of credit... and a handwritten letter with a tiny cat sticker placed next to his name.  
  
The letter drops from his suddenly numb fingers, landing face up on the desktop where the cat sticker stares at him accusingly. He's dimly aware that his reaction is bordering on ridiculous, but he's absolutely terrified to open that letter.  
  
He knows it's from Phil. From _**his**_ Phil. He tries to remember the last real letter he'd gotten from him and vaguely remembers something about a new school and being unhappy. It makes guilt twist in his stomach once again as he thinks about how he'd just disappeared on him. They'd been friends- as close as they could be through letters and Phil had deserved better than that.  
  
He grabs the letter from the desk and opens it with shaking fingers, taking a deep breath to settle himself before starting to read.

  
  
_Dan,_

 _Hey Dan! My name is Phil and I'm not terribly exciting either so this should work out quite well. It feels a bit strange to have an adult pen pal but here we are lol.  
  
I'm also a twenty-year-old who likes Pokémon and Mario Kart. Guess we're both nerds huh? But the true test of our compatibility is this: do you like Muse? Cause if you don't this relationship just won't work for me. I kid, I kid ( never about Muse though ).  
  
I'm currently working toward my Masters in Special Education. My goal is to work in a cross-categorical classroom with children of differing abilities.  
  
But enough about that for now, fellow nerd. How are you at Mario Kart, any good? Let me know if you fancy a little challenge.  
  
Goodbye!  
Phil_  
  
  
He doesn't realize that he's smiling, his lips tipped up in a soft grin until he snorts out a laugh at Phil's letter. It brings back happy memories of their weird exchanges filled with childish complaints and boyish bragging. Nostalgia warms his chest and nearly brings him to tears, and he's ringing his mum before he can even reason out why.  
  
“Hello, darling"  
  
“Hey, mum.”  
  
“How have you been? Is school going well?” she asks.  
  
He can hear the sound of running water in the background and knows she's filling up the kettle to make tea. It makes him feel a bit homesick and suddenly he’s glad he called.  
  
“I’m good, mum, and things are fine. Busy. You know how it is," he says.  
  
She hums in agreement while she continues to prepare her tea, the quiet clink of spoon against mug familiar and homey.  
  
“Mum, will you be home this weekend? I'd like to come down."  
  
He can tell by her silence that he’s taken her by surprise.  
  
“Dan, is everything alright?” Her voice is soft, worry creeping in around the edges. “What's wrong, Bear?”  
  
“I’m fine,” he laughs as his eyes skim over Phil's letter once more. “I miss you is all.”  
  
He walks to his tiny window that overlooks the commons and watches the people walk past, lost in thought.  
  
“and there's something I need to get…”

 

*

 

The weekend with his mum was just what he needed- a bit of home cooking, a bit of pampering, and a lazy afternoon wandering the shops while they drank overpriced coffees before heading to the cinema.  
  
Now he's back, and the box he’d brought with him is sitting on his desk.  
  
He hadn't wanted to open it at home, wanting to wait until he was back in the privacy of his room. Lifting it from the desk, he shuffles over to lock his door then sits in the middle of his bed with his legs folded beneath him.  
  
He runs his hand across the top, brushing off the layer of dust that's collected there. The small metal box that was once filled with first aid supplies now holds his treasures from childhood. The lid squeaks quietly when it opens and he takes a look at things he hasn't thought about in years.  
  
There's the love note from Jenny Bell that she'd given him in year nine, the first one he'd ever got. A collection of Pokémon cards he still couldn’t bring himself to get rid of. Even a few cringe-worthy attempts at writing music. And down at the bottom of the box-a neat stack of letters from Phil and a photo of a freckle-faced boy with mousy ginger-brown hair.  
  
He pulls the bundle out, setting the box aside to let the letters spread across the bed before him. He picks them up at random and reads, little long-forgotten pieces of Phil leaping off of the page at him.  
  
  
_The worst thing happened today! I walked into Mrs. Goldworthy's boob at recess, and she called me a danger to society! Like I actually wanted an eye full of her boob…  
  
  
Ok, I can't be the only person who sits while taking a shower, right? Does everyone just stand then?  
  
  
Why didn’t anyone tell me that seahorses were real? I thought they were things that people made up, like Bigfoot stories or something!_  
  
  
He'd forgotten how wonderfully strange Phil had been. He had been full of wild stories and odd musing, and he recalls being baffled and amused by him in turn. He was the most cheerfully eccentric person Dan had ever known and he remembers looking forward to his letters with glee.  
  
As he begins to write his return letter, he wonders if Phil even remembers him at all.

  
  
_Phil,_

_I like Muse; you like Muse-lets be friends lol. I’ve seen them in concert, and they were amazing! Have you ever been?  
  
You’re not seriously challenging me to a Mario Kart battle, are you? Phil, mate, it simply wouldn't be fair. You'll be dead and dusted before you knew what happened.  
  
But if you’re serious about getting your ego stomped a bit here's my info._

_  
Dan_

  
  
  
  
_Dan,  
A bit full of yourself, aren’t you? Well, that's all right cause Philly here is a Mario Kart master! So bring it on, you little weasel.  
(Is talking about yourself in the third person weird?)…  
  
  
  
Phil,  
Phil, Phil, Phil. It's painful to hear you go on this way. It almost makes me want to spare you the embarrassment of losing to the real Mario Kart master. Almost. So let’s go, rat! Shall we do this on Sundays?  
And yes, the third person is weird. But not as weird as sitting in the shower…  
  
  
  
Dan,  
Oh, do you sit in the shower too? How strange! I used to do that as a kid-don’t know why lol. Nice to know I'm not the only one then.  
And Sunday's work for me. Here's my WhatsApp…message me when you’re ready.  
  
  
  
Phil,  
No, I don't sit in the shower. What are you on about? I swear you’re a danger to society lol.  
You know, I still can't believe the last part of this project involves a student exchange! Not only do you get to come here and stay with me, but now I can kick your ass at Mario Kart in person! Prepare for the ultimate humiliation, Philly...  
  
  
  
Dan,  
Funny, the last time someone called me a danger to society was in elementary school. I must have told you that story then, huh? Or maybe we knew each other in a past life or something! Do you know I found this woman who can tell you what your past life animal was? And she only charges five dollars!  
But yeah, I’m coming to you! How cool is that? I’ve been holding back on you, so I hope you're ready to be taken down…_

 *

They talk about anything and everything, the letters passing between them often. They agree to adhere to the rules of their pen pal assignment and limit their non-written communication to in-game chatter. They play Mario Kart on Sundays, the only day they both have free and that works with the time zones.

They're playing now and he's once again in first place, listening to Phil's voice in his earpiece squawking out a protest as he once again gets pelted by a shell.  
  
“Oh, fuck you, Dan! That's such bullshit" Phil whines. “This is abuse. Bowser abuse!”  
  
“Babuse!” Dan cackles as he watches Phil struggling to get his character back on track. “Why the hell did you pick Bowser anyway? He's slow as fuck.”  
  
“Because I felt sorry for him, ok? No one ever picks Bowser”  
  
“Phil…”  
  
Phil laughs, an embarrassed chuckle in Dan's ear that makes him grin.  
  
“Oh, shut it. Besides, I didn’t know you'd be so cutthroat about Mario Ka... No!”  
  
Dan crosses the finish line to the sound of Phil cursing in his ear and laughs.  
  
“I warned you!” he giggles. He watches as Bowser crosses the line and gives a mocking cheer. “Look, if you want an easy win, you should play against Martyn.”  
  
There's a heavy silence for a moment then Phil's voice is in his ear.  
  
“I never told you I had a brother.”  
  
Oh. Oh shit.  
  
Dan barely hears Phil calling his name as he frantically smashes the button to disconnect from the game. He drops the controller and flops back on his bed, pressing his clenched fists into his eyes.  
  
“Oh fuck. Fucking hell," he whispers.  
  
He had meant to tell Phil right away, to confess to who he was and apologize for ghosting him when they were kids. But he hadn't wanted to lose the friendship they were building again so he'd kept it to himself, swearing that he'd tell Phil the truth the next time, in the next letter. But he hadn't.  
  
And now he's gone and ruined everything because of his big, stupid mouth.  
  
Ignoring the _ping_ of an incoming notification from his console, he rolls over to face the wall and pulls the duvet over his head.  
  
*  
  
He wakes the next morning with a knot in his stomach and a tension headache. He downs some ibuprofen before heading to the showers to let the hot water beat down on his head.  
  
He gets through his classes fueled on caffeine and anxiety and by the time he gets back to his room he's exhausted. He steadfastly ignores the message notifications on his phone and turns instead to music, letting it soothe and quiet his busy mind. He knows the messages are from Phil, and he'll answer them later. Right now he just needs to drift, so he closes his eyes and lets the music lull him to sleep.  
  
He makes himself hot chocolate when he wakes and eats a sleeve of biscuits with it, dropping crumbs into the sink. When he feels like he can't put it off anymore he checks the message on the gaming system first, taking a deep breath as he clicks on the little flashing envelope symbol.  
  
\--Danny?  
  
One word. It only takes one word for his breath to hitch and the bottom to drop out of his stomach. He hasn’t been called Danny in years. Not since they were kids.  
  
He snatches his phone from his desk and opens the app. He has three messages waiting from Phil, so he takes a deep breath and starts reading.  
  
  
**P**

-dan I know it’s you.  
-i can't believe it’s really you. Fucking hell, dan  
-did you know from the beginning? why didn’t you tell me?  
  
**D**

-i'm sorry phil  
-i wanted to tell you but thought you might hate me or something for disappearing when we were kids  
  
**P**

-you’re an idiot  
  
  
  
Dan winces at that, convinced that the ‘fuck off' he clearly deserves is coming.  
  
  
  
**P**

-i can't believe you thought I’d hate you. I don’t remember you being this stupid  
-i was angry and sad at first but I never hated you  
-we were just kids dan. you didn’t owe me anything  
-well, a goodbye would have been nice i guess  
  
**D**

-i know and i really am sorry phil.  
-does it help if i admit that i’ve missed you?  
  
**P**

-no you idiot cause i’ve missed you too. we could have been friends all this time  
-i’m so glad it's you…  
  
  
Dan smiles through the lump in his throat as he reads Phil's texts, grateful once again for his kind and forgiving nature. He flops back and gets comfortable, nestling his cheek against his pillow as he once again gets lost in the weird and wonderful words of Phil.

 *

 They return to their letters but as the weeks go by the nature of their content changes. No longer filled with slightly impersonal small talk, they now resemble the long, rambling letters of their youth.  
  
They share with each other the victories and setbacks of their path to young adulthood, those moments of joy and of bitter heartbreak. They slip back into the easy rhythm they used to have; a playful back-and-forth until Dan finds himself wrestling once again with growing feelings for his friend across the ocean.  
  
  
_Phil,  
So are you still that freckle-faced ginger from way back when? I've still got that picture that you sent me lol…  
  
  
Dan,  
OMG BURN IT!  
I can't believe you kept that. And no, the freckles are long gone and so is the hair-it’s dyed black now.  
  
  
Phil,  
Pics or it didn't happen. And sorry, Philly. The photo is mine and I plan on keeping it._  
  
  
  
**P**

-don't believe me huh?  
-fine, here  
-[image attached]  
  
  
He laughs when he sees that Phil has messaged him after receiving his last letter. He didn't know how to ask Phil for a selfie without it being weird so what better way then to goad him into it. He opens his messages and stares at the image there, trying to get his brain to focus on more than just Phil's face as he fumbles out a reply.  
  
  
**D**

-wow that really suits you  
-it looks great

  
  
**P**

-thanks :)  
-now where's yours?

  
  
**D**

-ugh I look disgusting  
-seriously  
-[image attached]

  
  
**P**

-aww you're adorable  
-look at those curls  
-my fingers are itching to play with them  
-nice pose btw

  
  
**D**

-shut up rat!  
-i was just resting my arm  
-why did you dye your hair anyway?

  
  
**P**

-bullies really liked picking on the ginger kid :-/

  
  
**D**

-sorry phil :(  
-why didn't you tell me?

  
**  
P**

-i wanted to but you disappeared  
-why did you disappear anyway?  
-was it something I did?  
  
  
  
He drops his head onto his folded arms, the words dancing behind his eyelids. _Why did you disappear?_ It’s a simple question, and one Phil deserves to have answered. But can Dan really open himself up this way? Sure, Phil's been a little flirty, but he doesn't really know anything about Phil's sexuality, what if he's repulsed by Dan’s feelings- then and now?  
  
He knows Phil would be kind about it. It's simply not in his nature to be cruel. But Dan's fingers still shake as he types out his next message.  
  
  
  
**D**

-i need to tell you something

  
  
**P**

-i'm here. Are you ok?

  
  
**D**

-kinda  
-i wanted to explain why I disappeared  
-you know… when we were kids?

  
  
**P**

-i know. i was there, remember lol

  
**D**

-ha ha :-/

  
  
**P**

-sorry go ahead

  
  
**D**

-i'm nervous

  
  
**P**

-don't be nervous. it's just me

  
  
**D**

-ok  
-so here's the thing  
-i have something really personal to tell you and it’s kind of scary for me to put this out there  
...  
-i'm bi

  
  
**P**

-you're so brave Dan thank you for trusting me <3  
-were you afraid I wouldn't accept you?  
-i don’t really like to label myself but... i'm queer too  
-and i’ll always accept you  
  
  
  
He lets out the breath he'd been holding as he watches Phil's texts come through. The sense of relief is huge, a weight lifted off of his shoulders, and he feels the prickle of tears behind his eyes.  
  
  
  
**D**

-you don’t know how much that means to me  
-you're so important to me Phil  
-i don’t want to lose you

  
  
**P**

-you don’t have to worry about that ever  
-i’ll always be here for you

  
  
**D**

-there’s something else I need to tell you  
-that’s not the only reason I stopped writing to you  
-i had a crush on you and didn’t know what to do  
-i’d never had feelings for a boy before and I was scared and just… didn't know what to do

  
  
**P**

-oh dan  
-dan you wonderful idiot  
-i felt the same way!  
-i wanted to tell you but then you stopped writing

  
  
**D**

-but do you still? you know, have feelings?  
-cause I do…

  
  
The wait for Phil's reply feels endless. He drops his phone on the pillow and launches himself from the bed, heading to the kitchen for a glass of Coke. He's filled with nervous energy, desperate for an outlet, so he paces the tiny floor space of his room.  
  
The _ping_ of an incoming message makes him jump, strikingly loud in the anxious silence of his room. He picks up his phone and steels himself for Phil's answer.

  
  
**P**

-yes

  
One word. It only takes one word to make a smile light up his face and his stomach fill with butterflies.

 

* * *

 

Heathrow is noisy and chaotic. Travelers come and go, dragging their roller cases behind them as they move through the terminal like cattle in a herd.

  
The class had opted to come together as a group to greet their pen pals, hoping to alleviate some of the awkwardness of the first meeting. Dan had wanted to protest; he couldn't wait to greet Phil and had wanted to do it alone. But he couldn't think of a reason that wasn’t personal so here he was, eyes glued to the gate where passengers were even now disembarking.  
  
The sight of glossy black hair makes his heart rate skyrocket as the noise around him fades away. He can feel his own pulse thumping at the base of his throat and then suddenly Phil is standing before him.  
  
He looks just like the selfies he'd sent Dan- bright blue eyes, creamy pale skin, black hair pushed back from his face. He gives Dan a bashful little smile and the sight of it floods him with emotions.  
  
“Hi Dan."  
  
Phil's voice is deeper in person and so sweetly shy that Dan can't help but smile back. He reaches out and folds his arms around him, pulling Phil into a hug. He holds tight for a moment, nestling in to rest his head against Phil's shoulder briefly before stepping back.  
  
“You're here," Dan breathed, still slightly awestruck.  
  
“I'm here.”  
  
“Fucking finally!”  
  
Phil laughs and it sounds like home.  
  
*  
  
The pub is noisy and dark, full of students looking for fun on a Friday night. Their group had pulled around a motley cluster of tables and now Phil is sat next to him in a booth, pressed against him from shoulder to hip. His hand is holding Phil's under the table, and he rubs his thumb over his knuckles, watching as a flush warms Phil's cheeks.  
  
He leans in and places his mouth close to his ear, enjoying Phil's shudder at the feel of his breath.  
  
“You're here."  
  
Phil turns his head until they're nearly nose to nose. “I'm here."  
  
“Then why are we _here_?” he whispers. He watches as Phil's eyes drop to his lips and suddenly those butterflies in his stomach take flight.  
  
“Right,” he says, standing abruptly. “Phil and I are off. He's tired.”  
  
He ignores the knowing glances of a few of his classmates as Phil scrambles from the booth and they say their goodbyes. He doesn’t care what they think, he just wants to _go_.  
  
The ride to his room is quiet and filled with anticipation. Phil's hand is in his again, and he can't help but marvel at how soft it is. Phil's face is turned to the window as he takes in the sight of London at night so Dan lets his eyes wander.  
  
It’s a good face. The bold brow, aquiline nose, and those cheekbones sharp enough to cut glass are saved from harshness by his arched eyebrows and plush lips. It's a strong face. A beautiful face.  
  
And when he turns that face toward Dan and smiles, he can barely breathe.  
  
*  
  
The door has barely latched behind them before Phil is reaching for him, running his fingers through the curls and waves of Dan's hair before tracing the shell of his ear. He presses a bit closer then waits, smiling up at him.  
  
“I'm here,” he whispers, his mouth drawing closer to Dan's own.  
  
“Finally here..."  
  
“Dan, can I kiss you now?” he whispers. His face is turned up toward Dan's, his breath tickling the underside of Dan's chin.  
  
“You’d fucking better,” he murmurs.  
  
Phil laughs and then his mouth is on Dan's, his lips soft and warm and tasting of the lip balm he had slicked over them in the car. They stand pressed against the door, their kisses slow and sweet. There's no longer a sense of urgency, no desire to rush to the next stage. Just a gentle exploration that has them sighing into each other's mouth in contentment.  
  
Dan lets his hands slide down Phil's chest before resting them on his hips. He pulls back and leans his forehead against Phil's to take a steadying breath, rubbing his nose against Phil's affectionately. He steps back and looks into his eyes, so bright and blue, then holds out his hand.  
  
“Come to bed?”  
  
Phil smiles and takes his hand, letting him lead him across the room.  
  
*  
  
The morning sunlight is soft and weak as it peeks through the gap in his blinds. He can hear the birds singing the day awake and he wants to join them, to sing out his happiness to the world.  
  
Phil's head is resting on his chest; the gentle weight of it warm and comforting. One of his arms is slung across Dan's waist holding him close, and Dan feels the thrill of it down to his toes.  
  
He doesn’t want to wake Phil, not yet. So he lays still and runs his fingers through his hair, the shiny black locks soft to the touch. He wraps strands around his finger and lifts them up to the light, marveling at the hints of blue that the sun teases out among the black.  
  
“Having fun up there?”  
  
He jumps at the sound of Phil’s voice, low and husky from sleep.  
  
“Christ, Phil! You scared the bloody hell out of me!" he exclaimed. He continues playing with his hair, the sound of Phil’s laughter making him smile in return.  
  
“mmm… sorry.”  
  
Phil yawns before pressing a kiss to Dan's chest by way of apology, rubbing his cheek against him like a cat.  
  
“I must be heavy, do you want me to move?” he asks, shifting as if to slide over.  
  
Dan tightens his arm around Phil's shoulder. “Don't you dare! I’m quite comfortable, thank you very much!”  
  
Phil sighs and settles back in along Dan's side, head tucked underneath his chin as they drowse in bed together most of the morning, cocooned in the warmth that gathers beneath the duvet. Phil's fingertips skate over Dan's ribs, occasionally tapping a gentle tune against them as if they were a marimba and Dan shivers as gooseflesh ripples across his skin.  
  
“Danny?” he murmurs, flattening his hand over the rabbit-fast beat of Dan's heart. “Let's wake up like this every morning, okay?”  
  
He leans down and presses a kiss to the top of Phil's head before resting his cheek there.  
  
“That's the plan.”

 


	3. the future has been here forever

Epilogue-

He watches from his bed while Phil talks to his mother on Skype; his voice bright and animated as his hand comes up to cover his mouth when he laughs at her gentle teasing. He smiles at something she says, and Dan can’t help but smile in return at seeing him so happy.  
  
Phil's been in England for several months now, his coursework finished for the semester. He'll have to return at the end of summer, but they're trying not to dwell on their upcoming separation. They have plans, so many plans, and are determined not to let the distance be an issue.  
  
They spend their days wandering the city, exploring different areas to get a feel for the vibe before ducking into a nearby coffee shop or cafe. There they pass whole afternoons daydreaming about their future while sipping mochas and lattes.  
  
Their nights spent in bed are full of whispers and laughter as they take their time learning each other. They discover what makes Dan's toes curl into the sheets and Dan learns how to get Phil to make _that_ sound. Sometimes it's quick and hot and other times a sleepy pleasuring, but it's always filled with love.  
  
Turning his attention back to his laptop, he closes out his sociology paper.

  
  
_In conclusion, while the use of electronic mail and other methods of instant communication allow for a quicker conversational turnaround, they sometimes lack the intimacy that a handwritten letter provides. The sensory experience of receiving a letter, of tracing your fingertip over the words on the page or inhaling the faint scent of a loved one's cologne embedded into the paper, is one that simply can not be replicated in digital media._ _Holding the tangible proof of someone's innermost thoughts and feelings helps foster a sense of trust and camaraderie that often blossoms into true friendship. And for those lucky ones among us, sometimes even love._

  
  
He smiles as he saves his file and submits his final essay before closing his laptop. He listens as Phil ends his call, waving goodbye to Kath when Phil angles the screen in his direction and barely has time to set his laptop aside before Phil is pouncing on him, knocking him onto his back.  
  
“Oof! Phil, you heffalump!” he gasps, the breath driven from his lungs. “Watch my bits!”  
  
Phil laughs and cups Dan's crotch, patting him gently. “I'll watch them later.”  
  
He rolls then stands next to the bed, holding his hand out to pull Dan up, grinning at the massive eye roll Dan gives him.  
  
“C’mon, I'm hungry.”  
  
“You're always hungry," Dan grumbles. He follows Phil across the room and unable to resist, pulls him close and presses a kiss to his smiling mouth.  
  
“Alright, Prickly Belly. Let's get you fed.”  
  
They head out into the hall and as Dan turns to close their door his eyes fall on the frame that sits proudly on his desk. He smiles back at the sight of two letters nestled carefully inside; slightly yellowed now and written in a careful childish scrawl and locks the door before slipping his hand into Phil's.  
  
  
_Danny,_  
 _Do you think we'll be friends forever?_  
  
  
_Phil,_  
 _That's the plan..._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
>  
> 
> You can reblog [here](https://capriciouscrab.tumblr.com/post/181463868035/a-well-of-many-words-rating-t-summary-a-random) if you like :)


End file.
